Archive for the 'Humor' Category



30
Aug
08

They’re coming to take me away, ha! ha!

In a way, I hate to follow up something comparatively thoughtful like the poem in my last post with something as inane as this. In fact, I hadn’t really planned on posting anything tonight.

But since someone who shall remain nameless (yeah, right) has threatened to throw a temper tantrum if I don’t, here you go.

Be careful what you wish for………ūüĎŅ

In a really perverse, twisted kind of way, though, this post is kind of an appropriate follow up to the previous one.

-smith ūüėą

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17
Jul
08

Time for some campaignin’!!

Yeah, okay, I know I said I was busy, but a friend sent me this, and three things immediately crossed my mind. The first was, out of over 300 million people in this country, our choices for president add up to two. And when you get right down to it, it’s really a question of which bozo you thinks represents the lesser of the two evils.

The second thing was that I’m grateful to live in a country where this sort of thing can be created and viewed without fear of reprisal from the government. Freedom of speech is a beautiful thing. Even with all its problems, this country is still a far better place to live than most.

The third thing? Cheat post! But it’s a pretty funny cheat post, so I hope you enjoy it. I certainly got a few chuckles out of it.

For what it’s worth, this is also the very first time I’ve ever embedded a video here on MOR. Yeah, I know, big whoop.

-Smith

03
Jun
08

Fear of Flying

It’s not really a fear of flying.¬† It’s a¬†fear of crashing.¬† At maximum takeoff weight, a jetliner can weigh up to 750,000 pounds, and the only things keeping it in the air are two thin pieces of aluminum and the theory of aerodynamics.¬† Somehow the idea of ending my life in a ball of fire and twisted metal with my arms and legs and entrails spewed all over the side of a mountain gets into my already over active imagination and does its worst.¬†

Of course, the worst part¬†wouldn’t be¬†the crash itself.¬† Chances are¬†I wouldn’t even feel a thing.¬† It’s the anticipation that would be so awful.¬† The airlplane hurtling out of control.¬† The engines screaming.¬† The passengers sreaming.¬† G forces crushing you against your seat.¬† And worst of all, you have several long seconds, maybe even minutes, to be truly, truly terrified at the horrible death that you will soon be experiencing.

Yup, that’s me.¬† Steve Smith: afraid–no, make that terrified–to fly.¬†

By now my family has gotten used to the unpleasant change in my personality the day before I have to fly and they just stay the hell away from me.¬† The night before I fly I always have¬†one of two recurring nightmares.¬† One is where the plane is jockeying down the highway, dodging cars and trying to find an opportune time to take off.¬† Once it does, it always¬†attempts to fly under a bridge, but I always wake up just before the plane hits the bridge.¬† In the other dream, I am sitting on TOP of the plane as it’s cruising at 37,000 feet, desperately looking for something to hang on to.¬† It’s always one or the other, and to this day I have no way of knowing which one it will be, or why.

But I do not let my fear of flying prevent me from flying.¬† I would simply miss out on too much.¬† And, if the truth be told, I’ve gotten better about this as I’ve gotten older.¬† Now I’m only afraid of the takeoffs and landings.¬† The bit in between I’ve more or less learned to be ok with.¬† Usually.

Not this time.  For some reason, the plane hit an unusual amount of turbulence soon after takeoff and for the next hour I sat clutching the arms of my seat.  I did notice that none of the other passengers seemed terribly concerned about the extreme danger they were in, but I attributed this to the fact that they were simply too stupid to realize that they were all about to die the aforementioned fiery death.  As the plane bounced around the airpockets like a ping pong ball in a lottery machine, my mind was simply singing with fear.

Then a happy thought found its way into my terror stricken brain: alcohol.¬† They don’t serve Bushmill’s on Jet Blue, sadly.¬† But desperate situations call for drastic measures, so I settled for Glenlivet.¬† The flight attendant also seemed blissfully ignorant of our shared peril.¬† He beamed a perfect toothpaste commercial smile at me as¬†he brought¬†my drink.¬† “Does this happen a lot?”, I asked.¬† “Oh, sure, just some turbulence.¬† Nothing to worry about.¬† Happens all the time”.¬† Another megawatt smile, followed by a curiously knowing look. “I’ll keep your tab open.¬† We’ll settle up just before we land.”¬†

By the fifth Glenlivet, I noticed that the pilot’s flying¬†skills had improved considerably, and the airplane was cruising along quite nicely now, thank you very much.¬† I had Thomas Tallis on the headphones, and Arthur Conan Doyle in my hands, and a¬†newfound serenity about¬†flying.¬† I think I’m on to something here.

While Googling for pictures for this post, I came upon this rather interesting article, which in fact puts the whole fear of flying thing into perspective.  I agree with almost everything the author writes. 

Except for the part about alcohol.¬† Maybe they’ll even serve Bushmill’s on the next flight.

-Smith

27
Jan
08

The Three stages of a man’s life

Ladies, try not to hate me. ūüėČ
.

Single
.




MARRIED


DIVORCED


Any questions?
-Smith
18
Dec
07

the war of the sexes rages on

These were sent to me by an old friend. The fact that I find these hysterical probably explains why I’m divorced.

Twice.

Believe it or not, I actually edited these a bit.  The original was really over the top.

Ladies, try not to hate me. ūüėČ

–Smith

.
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Lesbian
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Wants Soul mate = Stalker

WOMEN’S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN’S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay

And finally…..

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat shoved up his backside.

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

27
Nov
07

Ever have one of those days…..

…when you just want to do this to someone?

I know I do.

Okay, not very profound, I realize. But I though it was funny.

-Smith

06
Oct
07

Start ’em young!

Clearly this little tyke’s parents have done a fine job of indoctrinating him into the ways and mores of Red Sox Nation, a hard core fan base as rabid as any cult of religious fanatics.

They seem to have skimped a little bit on the manners thing, though.

Next post: Seven Reasons Why God is Almost Certainly a Red Sox Fan.

I hope that finger was for the Yankees.

–Smith




taking up a glowing cinder with the tongs and lighting with it the long cherry-wood pipe which was wont to replace his clay when he was in a disputatious rather than a meditative mood" ~ Dr. John H. Watson ************************
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