This is the future

The anti tobacco movement is reaching new heights of audacity in their desire to curb personal freedom and turn law abiding citizens into criminals. As this newspaper article from the future shows, I will not go quietly.

September 13, 2040

Residents of a quiet Boston neighborhood were stunned to learn of the arrest and imprisonment of Stephen Smith, an elderly neighbor, on charges of tobacco possession. Neighbors expressed shock and dismay at the news that this seemingly respectable senior citizen had, in fact, been a secret tobacco user for many years.

“He seemed like such a nice old man”, said one neighbor who did not wish to be identified. “We never suspected he was a tobacco user. We thought he just smoked marijuana like the rest of us. I’m totally outraged when I think that he was putting the entire neighborhood at risk from his second hand tobacco smoke. How could he be so irresponsible? Everyone knows second hand tobacco smoke kills on contact.”

Neighbors became suspicious when they noticed an odd smell eminating from his pipe one day. Apparently Smith had devised a clever scheme to hide his tobacco use, mixing judicious amounts of the illegal leaf with the high quality marijuana he was often seen smoking in his beloved briar pipes. According to sources, he had been stockpiling tobacco for several years prior to its outlawing in 2013, the same year marijuana was legalized by then president Nancy Pelosi as her first act in office.

“It was the Latakia that tipped us off”, said an unnamed police source. “Nothing smells that bad. He kept putting more and more of it in his marijuana.”

Police raided Smith’s home in the early morning, dragging the elderly man from his bed as he was still clutching his briar. As he was being stuffed into the back of the police cruiser, neighbors could hear him shouting, “You can have my tobacco when you can pry it from my cold, dead fingers!”

If convicted, Smith, given his advanced age, would probably be able to avoid a lengthy prison sentence by voluntarily enrolling in a tobacco re-education program and remaining tobacco free thereafter. He would also have to register with the police as a Level 3 tobacco user, and avoid all contact with children.

He would still, of course, be permitted to smoke as much pure marijuana as he likes.

9 Responses to “This is the future”

  1. September 14, 2008 at 1:51 am

    I’m gonna start saving now for when the time comes. Not to bail you out, but to have t-shirts made up, claiming to raise funds to get you out, when in fact I’d just be in it for the money. 😛 Just kidding. 😉 I’m totally gonna have some jet packs waiting to rocket your butt to an undisclosed location. I’m not sure where the plan goes from there, but I have plenty of time to hammer out the details. You can count on me. I got your back. 😀

    Hey, Peter! Glad to know you’re in my corner. The jet pack sounds cool. As you can see, I’ve {ahem} borrowed the t-shirt idea. 😉

  2. September 14, 2008 at 12:50 pm

    Actually, you work the striped pajama look pretty well. 😉 Funny though, I feel things are going that same way. Fortunately, I quit tobacco in 2006 so I won’t have to worry about getting my size pajamas.

    Ahh, but that’s where you’re wrong, my dear, and this is really my over arching point with this. TODAY it’s tobacco. But what will it be next time? If they can take away my little pleasure, they can take away yours. You may be need to be sized up for the striped pajamas after all. 😉

  3. September 14, 2008 at 6:03 pm

    Yo Jail Bird:

    Not too far fetched my man!

    Next you will see fast food legislated out of business.

    Your grandkids’ kids will talk about in an unbelieving tone when they say the “…old jail bird actually smoked a pipe, can you believe that?”

    Keep on puffing–great post.

    All Best,

    Maybe some day they will speak about me in the same tone of hushed awe that they spoke about Robin Hood and Harry Tuttle

  4. 4 Andy
    September 14, 2008 at 7:49 pm

    We have to laugh at first, but as ridiculous as it may seem presently it is not too far in the future that this may be the case.
    Steve Orwell, 2013.

    Believe me, I’m not laughing. 👿

  5. September 15, 2008 at 9:10 pm

    “It was the Latakia that tipped us off”, said an unnamed police source. “Nothing smells that bad. He kept putting more and more of it in his marijuana.”

    You are hardcore, dude.
    Then again aren’t we all?
    I echo J0j0’s comment.
    Great post.
    So, how much latakia do you actually have stockpiled?
    It’s not Syrian is it?
    Greg Pease would love to get his mitts on some of that.
    Maybe he could create “Bohemian Scandal II”.
    Pipe smokers world-wide would cream their proverbial jeans . . .

    The day is coming when they’ll be selling pot at Tedeschi’s, and there’ll be a huge black market for Dunhill Nightcap. Sad, really.

  6. 6 Sam
    September 15, 2008 at 9:14 pm

    How sad. The story, yes, but that people think the roomnote of Latakia smells bad. My wife would beg to differ.

  7. September 18, 2008 at 2:27 pm

    How sad. The story, yes, but that people think the roomnote of Latakia smells bad. My wife would beg to differ.

    Latakia is an interesting tobacco. Most people (including most pipe smokers) don’t like the smell the first time they encounter it. But, like a good whiskey, it’s an acquired taste, and one well worth acquiring.

    The first time I whiffed an English blend, I thought it smelt like the zoo on a hot day. But nowadays I love the aroma of Latakia. And if your wife feels the same way, I would definitely call her a keeper! 😉

  8. September 21, 2008 at 10:46 pm

    Smith does look a bit too happy to be in prison, perhaps he is stoned… glad to know they allow marijuana behind bars, at least he can smoke his tobacco worries away… Could be worse 😉 Nice article… sorry to hear of Smiths incarceration… What is this world coming to… or going to be in 2040…

    The sad part is that the way it’s going, I will be smoking pot in a few years because that will be legal. The hypocrisy of the anti-smoking seems to know no bounds.

  9. September 23, 2008 at 12:09 pm

    I think I’ll start stockpiling coffee, cocoa and sugar.

    Don’t forget the Twinkies. I’m sure they’ll be next!

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taking up a glowing cinder with the tongs and lighting with it the long cherry-wood pipe which was wont to replace his clay when he was in a disputatious rather than a meditative mood" ~ Dr. John H. Watson ************************
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