18
Dec
07

the war of the sexes rages on

These were sent to me by an old friend. The fact that I find these hysterical probably explains why I’m divorced.

Twice.

Believe it or not, I actually edited these a bit.Β  The original was really over the top.

Ladies, try not to hate me. πŸ˜‰

–Smith

.
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Lesbian
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Wants Soul mate = Stalker

WOMEN’S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN’S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay

And finally…..

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a baseball bat shoved up his backside.

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

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6 Responses to “the war of the sexes rages on”


  1. 1 Red
    December 18, 2007 at 2:47 am

    New Age *snort*
    I’d like the original emailed if you still have it. I loved the list, BTW. Too funny.

    Sorry, Red, I don’t have it any more. Glad you like this, though.

  2. 2 The Rev.
    December 18, 2007 at 1:55 pm

    Hysterical! I am presently cleaning coffee out of my keyboard. Somehow it got in there while reading your contribution to the venus/mars wars. There is one tidbit that you may find interesting – women speak an average of 80,000 words per day while men speak an average of 30,000. Big surprise…

    J.

    Not a surprise at all! πŸ˜‰

  3. 3 Red
    December 18, 2007 at 2:25 pm

    Rev, 80,000 words a day? I probably speak 7.
    Very quiet, is me.

    Just another of your many virtues. πŸ˜‰

  4. December 19, 2007 at 4:09 pm

    Red and I really do have a lot in common…

    I once had a man comment on my eyeshadow! Must have been a cross-dresser!

    I’m sure it was really nice eye shadow! πŸ˜‰

  5. December 22, 2007 at 12:47 pm

    “Very quiet, is me.”
    j’aussi

    Sometimes silence is the best policy. πŸ˜‰

  6. 6 Alkhliwi
    February 12, 2009 at 4:35 am

    I have nothing to say .You said everythng.Thank you.


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